Lost one's weeping - Mamoru's diary
by the4elements
Summary: This cannot be the truth. I can't be the unsolvable problem!


_"Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."_

J.D. Salinger, _the Catcher in the Rye_

 **Author note: I've always felt like this song had a connection with** ** _the Catcher in the Rye._** **I don't own** ** _the Catcher in the Rye_** **and** ** _the Lost one's weeping_** **. I'd like to thank Mei-Chan002 for being a great betareader :)  
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 _1._

 _I just came home from school. Things are okay. We're studying math and science. This is gonna be interesting... School is about finding your path. You shouldn't have to worry about those stupid bullies that are determined to crush your spirit. The most important thing is to listen to the teachers._

 _2._

It turns out that there's more to school than just paying attention in class. It's also about learning about what's true, regardless of what's real. About learning what society wants to be true. But then, it's still interesting, so who knows? I might even have fun in here.

 _3._

 _I've been trying to do my homework, but I just can't. School is a mold. The goal is to know all the things you need to know in order to later be manipulated or a manipulator. But then, maybe I should look at the bright side of things._

 _4._

 _My teachers think I need to grow up._ _Maybe they're right. I have no personality. All I've been doing so far is coming up with lies to ease my troubled mind. I've said nothing but reassuring lies to myself about what lies ahead. 'Everything is going to turn out just fine.' No. Things won't always be fine. They will continue to ask me the same questions._ kokuban no kono kanji ga yomemasu ka _No, I can't read this. I don't want this to be the truth. I don't care if you think it's the truth. Truth is just our perception of things. It's not reality._

 _Grow up._

 _What does it mean? Give up?_

 _I want a life I can care about, a world in which I want to stay, and not because of my instinct. Because it is my dream. I want to care, I want ambitions, and I want other people to be like this. Fulfilling a dream shouldn't be a rare thing. This can't be reality, this can't be! It has to be the made up truth that society spawned, not the absolute reality!_

 _I don't want to grow up. Wouldn't things be great if no one did?_

 _If they all stopped pretending?_

 _I like math. It might be abstract in many ways, but it's still a lot like real life. The only reason irrational numbers are irrational is because they can't be understood by common logic. The same way the only reason I'm crazy is because they don't understand me._

 _This can be school's fault... This can't be...  
_

 _5._

 _All I've ever said is bullshit. I am crazy. This reality I've been talking about is just my fucked-up imagination. Why do I want to die? Why do I care? What should I do? I'm young, why do I feel old? Why am I living with the permanent thought that I'm close to death? School homework school homework work worry work worry nothing death nothing. This is life. **THIS** is **LIFE**? This can't be me, this can't be me! IT HAS TO BE THEM! _

_I don't need to grow up, I'm already too old. What kind of kid feels like the next step is death? Definitely not the kind that needs growing up._

 _There's no such thing as the truth. It's made up nonsense. It's just a bunch of rules you need to accept in order to survive._

 _6._

 _I don't care._

 **Author notes: I hope you liked the story. I've had a really hard time writing it, so I would really appreciate feedback, and maybe a little piece of advice, because this story feels like it's a little to short and I think I could add more content. Thank you for reading :)  
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